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Of all the chapters I have written about this journey to the convergence of two arctic rivers, this one is the most sensitive and critical; writing it is not unlike trying to deliver a fragile baby of celestial origin. Who can remember the moment of their birth, the hours after which we lay peacefully in our mother’s arms? All human life begins this way with our perception and understanding of peace and security unknown, without comprehension, simply felt and in those arms we find love, peace, security and sustenance for life.
We all come into this world by virtue of a union between our father and mother, with sets us on our journey beginning in the peaceful loving care of our earthly mother, yet for a blessed few, it ends as they cross a deep chilling river in which they find themselves lifted by a strong hand that envelops them in unspeakable rest as they finally reach the loving, peaceful, secure arms of our One True Father in the Light.
It is a common fact that loving mothers feel a sense of loss as their children leave their protective care to follow life’s preordained journey that takes us from our mothers to our Father. In nature, this cycle exists in a beautiful natural dance following the ebb and flow of seasons, but in many parts of western human society this cycle has become convoluted lacking any character of the beautiful natural dance it was meant to be. Many fathers in the west fail to take responsibility for their natural role in creation’s plan, leaving the role of mothers to continue on far beyond what is natural or healthy. Because of this failure of fathers and the unnatural extension of the mothers’ influence, much of what I attempt to write in this story will be hard for some western people to understand; here I speak of those who know the love of their mother but frequently have no knowledge of who their father is. It is truly pathetic to find men who have grown to middle age, and yet dependant upon their mothers to be their prime confidant, helper and guide through life with no power or thought of The Father as the ever present unfailing confidant and source of wisdom to deal with all of life’s trials.
Regarding this trip, I could write a book about the above matter but for the purposes of this story, the events at the convergence represent the complete and ultimate culmination of the journey from mother to Father. My life began with a nurturing caring mother which led to a journey to find my father who was frequently in very remote places on the earth such as Antarctica or the Arctic as he was faithful to maintain his station supplying power to the engines of great research vessels responsible for clearing ocean pathways by breaking ocean ice aboard reinforced hull ice breakers; this was my dad, an enigmatic adventurer whose love for travel and the extreme so influenced my life that I write these words from latitude 65 north in central Alaska waiting for a process that may very well take me to the farthest reaches of this land where my dad once lived.
As mentioned, life begins with our mothers and ends with reaching our Father; our mothers are known for their physical sustenance, care and support which is natural while we are young, ultimately ending as we take those few infant steps across space and time to reach the open arms of our Father who eagerly waits to embrace us in the non-physical world where Love in its purest non-corporeal form exists; so with that thought, this is how this story at the convergence continues as my eyes opened on the little island during the morning hours of the next day after battling death for hours in a glacial river.
I woke and lay listening with my eyes closed hearing the sound of the near by river and the steady white noise of light rain falling on my tent. I slowly opened my eyes and in the warm yellow light created by my tent’s walls, I looked out the screen doorway to the green rain fly with drops of water rolling off the sides. It was cool and this made my winter bag feel all the more comfortable, as I lay there I considered the nature of life outside my tent with its cold dreary trees and bushes dripping with rain and the all encompassing frigid glacial rivers framing the tiny island.
Remembering the events of the day before with the sense of some-one's presence, I realized that everything that happened the day before establish the evidence of some-one's care and watchfulness; these were all demonstrated by fulfillment of simple yet essential needs like a healthy bath in warm brilliant sun light rather than the cloudy cold that defined the atmosphere while in the convergence, locating an area for my tent by the sudden illumination of an area of ground by a ray of sunlight through the trees, the miracle of having my items of clothing survived a capsize along with one sleeping bag when most items had to be pulled out of water or were soaked; everything demonstrated a distinctive providential arrangement of events, especially the seemingly “accidental” landing at a point of land contact on the far side of an island that just happened to be the same land mass I jettisoned my gear on to escape the powerful south river current.
Now I lay comfortably in my mountain tent on a rainy day considering the providential nature of events from the day before, stopping to consider what was happening as I lay in a warm bag on an island between two branches of a hostile river on a rainy day. Lying there resting, I slowly realized that I was in a uniquely deep peace; I went to get up and suddenly realized that I had no strength to move my body. Upon careful self inspection I realized that I had no appetite at all; despite the lengthy time without eating the day before combined with the energy draining battle with a glacial river, I wasn’t the least bit hungry and felt totally tranquil and natural as I lay resting. Then it began to dawn upon me that the day was made the way it was because I was meant to stay in the tent and go no where in the world outside for the most incredible reason of my life.
I had no choice but to rest quietly and listen to a unique inner voice. “This is how the journey ends”; all life begins in the physical arms of our loving mother to finally reach that place where one rests in the arms of our true Father whom their physical fathers represent. I had reached the end of my journey and just as it was at birth, lay in complete loving peace in the arms of my Father perceiving Him in the same way a new born baby perceives their mother, by a sense of loving security with eyes closed at the beginning. At that moment all I knew was the definite sense of peace and security that touched the deepest parts of my life was due to the certainty that I was being cared for in the arms of my Father who loved me from the beginning; but He was not my physical father because He had created my father, mother as well as myself and family; He is, the One who controlled the timing of the sun shine on my camp area and bath time, the river’s current, location of the island, and which gear did and did not survive.
It was the most secure, loving peaceful moment of my life, specifically fashioned to initiate and finalize separation from a very sad world of pain and darkness with it’s short lived pleasures; if this were not the case, I would be ravished by hunger as my body was hungry before I entered the convergence and as I went off to sleep last night. Waking in pain with a voracious appetite would have been natural, but to wake in peace completely without an appetite was supernatural. I didn’t feel sick at all, I simply didn’t have an appetite nor did I have power to move my body any longer. Extending this pattern of events forward in time in a predictive fashion led to the simple logical conclusion that I was preparing to enter a world where hunger didn’t exist, a world where a sense of well being was natural, a world dominated by an all pervasive Love with existence independent of one’s five senses; all in all it was a world wonderfully unlike and opposite to the world I had known all my life. For me to say I was excited would be a gross understatement.
What was taking place on that second day on the island in the midst of a river that all whom I speak to about, quickly refer to it as a death trap. The words that follow do not come easily. I came to this place without knowing the true character of the glacial river; I had acted out of an innocent desire to locate a peaceful camp site on a river in the arctic and not a river frequented with noisy power boats and jet ski enthusiasts. My simple objective was to have an intimate meeting with He who saved my life from the hands of the mafia many years ago and transformed that lost twisted life into that of a teacher of children. This trip was not something that came as a whim but rather the outcome of an equation written in recent events of my life after returning from Korea. After all my efforts to secure a job and a way to continue with life and useful service, every door had been closed. I was left with a few things, my kayak, tent, SCUBA gear free time and just enough money to buy some supplies. I was given enough to make the most important journey of my life, a journey to seek the reason for the closed doors and what would be my next step. It was a journey to simply camp and quietly consider what course of action I should take. As I would find out later, it’s an equation that tends to repeat itself. My return to the west was for one reason and one reason only and that was to return to my Source; until I gracefully accepted this fact, my life would be pursued by a very dark and difficult flow of events, solely meant to direct me to the island and the sunny area on the soft sand; there on that soft sandy spot is a beam of Sun light shining right down from the single place I had found where I was touched by a heard Love saying. “It’s over and there is no way you can work or earn your way here. Any effort to continue is your personal choice to remain in the pain and suffering of death.”
This is how I found myself caught on an island between two rivers requiring enormous physical strength and skill to escape, lying in a tent with absolutely no energy to sit up much less pack to leave or the more unthinkable and that was trying to paddle the vicious currents near my camp site. It was all set, I was engaged in the process of final return to my Father, the one moment I had waited all my life to reach and now I was there with no conceivable way to escape. I realized it was all so skillfully arranged and constructed with no way for anyone to find me as the river was hostile to any kind of boats be they powered or paddled.
I had carried a picture around with me for more than twenty years of being held in the arms of my Father as He embraced me in tears of joy at my home coming and finally I was there in His loving arms; I had finally come to touch the face of He who loved me before time was, and now He who made the stars, earth, all life and time was holding me in the most perfect place in this physical world. The experience was far beyond anything a man and woman could share because of its intensity, purity, independence from other people and its mysterious ability to be on going without end: it wasn't a fleeting moment but was lasting for hours and hours. I could now understand why it is written, "Some men are born in a way that permits this level of Celestial Intimacy, while some men are physically altered to block physical temptation leaving Celestial Intimacy as their only option, while other simply choose to give up the pursuit of fleeting moments of physical gratification that never fill a man cup, choosing Celestial Intimacy because of its eternal link and greater satisfaction. It is interesting that in the oldest writing concerning this matter, it is noted as something only men can achieve, stating that women reach this greater intimacy vicariously through their husbands by having children; thus in childbearing women find the capacity to reach out and touch the face of Celestial Love only through a pure live before marriage and a pure life in marriage. I know that many will say, "Well who in this world can ever reach this goal?" Again it has been written that these matters are not possible for man but by seeking the help of Purest Love all things are possible." This story is written to make clear that what many people think is impossible is in deed possible because it it wasn't, these words in this story would not be here. I had reached a dream come true and I didn't want to go.
I had reached that place of dreams where the numinous secret door of life, the living presence of my Father held me in His embrace; from within it was the most blessed gift of Life anyone could hope for yet from without this blissful dream was reflected in an opposite reality of a glacial river death trap.
On that rainy morning I received the most precious gift I have sought for more than half my life; as mentioned before, that gift is portrayed in a painting by Danny Hahlbohm and depicts an experience of being welcomed home with a warm embrace. It’s an experience that some will have if they learn the reason for this second gestation period known as earthly life; it’s all so natural like the millions of salmon who spawn only to have a few ever make it to life. Those in this world who realize the reason for being in this life, who realize there are three parts to our life which begins in the womb, moving into the world and ending in eternal life; the essential caveat regarding what kind of eternal life you enter depends completely upon an essential relationship NOT a religion. If you seek to know the Author of Love and not the so called love bound in the physical sense more commonly unmasked as lust but just as most parents show their new born baby; the eternal life you enter through a warm loving embrace of the Father of Lights will be a world of perfect Love without end, yet being blessed with free will, if you chose to reject the former the opposite of that world for eternity waits beyond your final breath and heart beat.
Without knowing it, I had made my way to the very hope and dream of all my life and that was to feel the warm embrace of my Father, but this wonderful most blessed incident is not something that can be experienced in the body; so when I woke on that rainy morning I found myself in a process of separating from my physical body with all its pain, weakness and exhaustion. I was being held in the warm beautiful comforting embrace of my Father whom I have sought to follow since the day He saved my life from the coercive threats of the mafia as they wanted me to purify cocaine for them. The recent events of my life had shown me that most people in this world have little interest in a vital relationship with celestial Love. A famous book once said, “When they will not listen to you, shake the dust off your feet against them and depart.” I did so, and now I was discovering the grace of how nature keeps itself purged of all weak and failing creatures. I was on an island that required enormous strength to escape, between the two intense rivers that surrounded where I lay growing weaker and weaker as each hour passed.
I could now see and understand the strange amazing design where in the midst of a death trap where two rivers demanded superior strength to defeat, I found myself being taken into a wonderful warmth and peace as my body grew weaker and weaker. The embrace was all I hoped it would be and my eyes could still look out on a world I once knew. There was nothing to stop my departure because my purpose in this world was finished.
Enjoying the deepening peace I thought about my cell phone and decided I would give one last look to see if any last chances where left in a possible message. I turned on the phone and it located a cell site, weak and distant but registering a little signal strength. Moments later the connection was established and to my surprise there was a message on the phone. I listened to the message and it was from an employer who wanted to interview me for a position with their company. I called immediately while I had a little strength and there was an answer. They asked if I could be in their office the next day at eleven in the morning, I said, “Yes sure.” After the call I thought I must be out of my mind because in my weak physical state, the goal of an employment interview to be reached within twenty two hours would take a miracle.
The thought went through my mind, “Why stop what nature had started?” I had no appetite at all and the thought of eating became no different than making a decision to fill a car with gas when the tank is empty. A driver doesn’t “feel” his car getting thirsty for gas but just notices it by a gauge. I had food with me but again I didn’t want to eat. For the first time in my life I had to consciously make a decision to put food in my body with the understanding that it may cause my body to gain enough strength to paddle against the river’s deadly down stream current and escape.
Time was short and yet it wasn’t just fixing food that was an issue, it was the weather. How could I get all accomplished in the rain in such a weak state? I was caught between two desires, the easy more lovely one of just following the graceful rest that was taking into an unimaginable peace with my Father, or putting food inside a body that had no appetite to see if it would gain strength to meet this possible opportunity to bring the Love that held me in peace back to the world of people. It not only required putting food in my body but it required a miracle in a weather change; without a weather change I would get soaked and become hypothermic quickly.
Could I expect my body to respond like a car or other machine? Would it acquire sufficient energy to over come the treacherous river filled with submerged dead trees and floating logs? Would my celestial Father alter the weather as He did for my arrival so I could get out and stay dry? Everything depended upon major miracles to happen within twenty two hours, but would they happen?
Continued in Chapter 9
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